just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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