Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
