I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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