i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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