I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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