Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
