If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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