Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My ass is underappreciated
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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