someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
