Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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