Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
