I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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