my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
