I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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