i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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