last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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