I got chris browned last night
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
