he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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