I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
