He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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