The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
