In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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