remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
