just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
two words...techno handjob
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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