last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
