He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
