he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
