here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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