i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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