You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize