I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
