Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I got chris browned last night
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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