If that was your dad, he is hot
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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