make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize