Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
