I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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