I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
