you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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