I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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