OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
