True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
