I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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