Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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