You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
