It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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