no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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