HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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