i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
