"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
