Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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