That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
