she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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