After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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