I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
