Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
