My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
