I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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