Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
